The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
