I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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