My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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