your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
