I can't breathe out the right side of my face
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
