I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
