i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
