the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
