According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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