i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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