Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
