I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
