Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
