I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
