Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
