in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
