Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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