Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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