Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
