If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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