i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
