her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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