barbara walters just said penis...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
