I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
