some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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