Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
