we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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