hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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