I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
