Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
