Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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