Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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