Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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