I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
