Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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