Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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