Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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