what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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