i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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