I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
