i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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