Screwed.edu
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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