mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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