Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
