you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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