I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
