Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
