Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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