Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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