Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
