Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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