I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
