I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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