she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
