did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Randomize
