im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize