genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
